punching bag

punching bag

the toop's picture
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Liner Notes: 

this one needs a bit of a disclaimer: to be frank, this is about abuse. living with a textbook narcissistic sociopath has weighed on me, and certain events made me realize I had to express it (healthily!) in the only way I know how: really, really weird music.

though this mix is as frantic and messy and chaotic as the situation that spawned this made me feel, i hope it gets the complexity of feelings across in some way. and i'm sorry if this is upsetting to anyone who has ever been in a similar situation. it's taken a lot of work for me to realize what's been going on isn't right, but, well, i'm as much of a work-in-progress as this song is.

i've sorta realized my own personal goal in writing is to convey the discomfort of real life situations and feelings as genuine as possible without being explicit for shock factors. i've found being intentionally vague lends its own dread to the situation - you don't know what happened, but you know something did. and that's enough.

anyway. i felt this needed a bit of proper context. en...joy...??

(this one is also inspired by the frenetic energy So Many Dynamos has. listen to them if you haven't, I recommend Flashlights.)

the midwestern accent makes me laugh everytime I hear it -- I've been meaning to re-record that line, and maybe one day I will, but ope, my accent's just gonna sneak past ya there.


am not
[midwestern accent] your punching bag [/midwestern accent]

throw your weight into the kick and
land on somebody else

there will be trouble when the
cracks in your armour
the splintering of your shield
the thin ice you stand on gives way

[yell]when i'm tired (not recorded: of your anger) I try to hide[/yell]
(not recorded: grey rock / grey rock)

you deny you broke in
that i now have to deal with
you deny the trauma
that i now have to live with

thank you for gaslighting
my lamp was running out of fuel
thank you for gaslighting
you gave my legs the strength to run away from

[exhausted] you [/exhausted]

[ghost]ohhhhh, leave me alone...[/ghost]

Please keep your comments respectful, honest, and constructive. Please focus on the song and not the demo.


billwhite51's picture

the music is like zappa but without the humor. i dont find it weird, it is very classical.. a suite.

the toop's picture

That's one comparison that I've heard twice now and it's still blowing my mind. If I get back to working on it, I'll make sure to keep it through-composed and nuts. Thank you!

nateger's picture

I appreciate your honesty with sharing the background of the story. You do an amazing job capturing this chaotic and frantic energy. I am blown away by the musicality of the piece and the interesting sonic elements. Playing around with tempo and time signature keeps the listener feeling unstable. The line "you deny the trauma that I now have to live with" is powerful. Your experience sounds challenging and I appreciate your bravery in sharing vulnerably.

the toop's picture

Gosh, thank you so much! This is such a thoughtful comment for a sensitive subject, and I'm glad you and others can appreciate it and take it seriously!

Fuzzy's picture

Gosh, I was married to a narcissist with BPD for 26 years, so I get ya.
This is awesome, dude.
So awesome.
I like how your distress is perfectly translated in to the frantic music.
I really enjoyed this.
Keep 'em coming!!

the toop's picture

Oof, my heart goes out to you. That's one nasty combo for a person to have. I hope you've been coping alright since the separation - those people can REALLY mess with your head.

Thank you for your support, I'm so glad you like what I do~!

fluidvolt's picture

woww great piece of music. good choice of timbres... i really love the arrangement you chose, constant shifting, constant shifting yum.... and the ending section!! really pulls me into it... i can imagine that part continuing to develop and climb and ratchet up in noisiness ohh yeah... but the abrupt end works well too

the toop's picture

Thanks, buddy. I want to definitely do what you suggested: ramp up that ending section to heighten the tension... maybe add a sick solo somewhere. Unpredictability, thy name is my00sik