The Little Song of Bad Advice

The Little Song of Bad Advice

Aging Ophelia's picture


Liner Notes: 

For the last couple years or so, I've been gathering and collating bad advice from anyone that will offer it, for a book I'm writing: The Little Book of Bad Advice. I had this concept for a few years before I started working on it in earnest, and I've only shared the notion here and in my writing group, and my plan is to make a small series of such books.

As I was adding in a piece, I thought it might make a fun song, so I gathered some dubious ideas and threw 'em in there. Then I wondered if I had done this here before. The ideas have been in my head, computer and notebooks so long, I can't be sure, so WTF. Let's spill the rapsberry tea, right now.


You know when your least favorite friend drops by
Or calls to ask you
That same stupid question
About the same situation
They just won’t stop getting themselves into

It’s your personal kryptonite
Knowing they know your answer
They’ve asked you
A Hundred Friggin’ times
Hoping you’ll tell them what they want to hear

Yeah, you know that call
The time-wasting, shit-tasting quivery “do you think…”
You choke in frustration
As once more, dear friend
You prepare to set them straight

But you’re too good a pal
To not give a rational answer
Too good not to lose another afternoon
Trying to fix fix fix

Let me suggest a new approach
Ditch the reasoned response
Give ‘em what they want
Smile and be nice and
Give ‘em bad advice:

The silky sheer white thong mixed in with in your boyfriend's laundry must have been from when his sister came over for lunch that one day.

See how easy that was?
It works for every question
You didn’t want to answer:

You look great in neon t-shirts, Mom.

Border cops respect you more when you stare them down.

It’s not always worth finishing your degree.

Getting your lover’s name tattooed on your ass is so romantic; how could you go wrong?

Anyone can wear “statement” eye liner.

Never call a girl the day after you had first sex; she’ll feel smothered.

They say cold water removes blood from a white shirt, but I always use hot!

A jello shot will help you relax before your big interview.

We should start a land war in Asia.

Taking out a mortgage means you’re investing in your place, instead of paying out to someone else. You’ll save money in the long run!

One condom should last all night long, baby.

(The oftener you spill this rapsberry tea
The less frequent those idiot questions will be)

Please keep your comments respectful, honest, and constructive. Please focus on the song and not the demo.


katpiercemusic's picture

Ha! I would probably not have lost the friends I had if I just told them what they wanted to hear. This is a good idea for a song and it doesn't matter if it's been done before or not. This is your song. I can't recall any bad advice songs like this one.

cts's picture

Lol This is hilarious! You should totally make this into a spoken word piece (at least as one iteration of how this could go). There are so many moments here that made me laugh out loud. And you know what? I've not heard the phrase, spilling your raspberry tea. I like it so much, I'm gonna use it in a song some way.

ustaknow's picture

"Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan, don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me" Smile
-- Yup, Inductive and Deductive listeners have no middle ground Wink

Good one!

Tim Fatchen's picture

Go for a semi-spoken word! This is delightfully cruel and sadistic!

kahlo2013's picture

Clever concept executed well. And I agree with other that combining spoken work with song would be very effective here and quite fun.

Valerie Cox's picture

Ha! You're making me laugh. Very fun and funny. The string of bad advice is the best!

OdilonGreen's picture

Very funny lyrics, and cool concept! I can "hear" this as fun guitar pop or, in the other direction, as a Laurie-Anderson-esque spoken word piece over a droning electronic background drolly commenting on the peculiarities of modern social interactions.