The Little Song of Bad Advice
For the last couple years or so, I've been gathering and collating bad advice from anyone that will offer it, for a book I'm writing: The Little Book of Bad Advice. I had this concept for a few years before I started working on it in earnest, and I've only shared the notion here and in my writing group, and my plan is to make a small series of such books.
As I was adding in a piece, I thought it might make a fun song, so I gathered some dubious ideas and threw 'em in there. Then I wondered if I had done this here before. The ideas have been in my head, computer and notebooks so long, I can't be sure, so WTF. Let's spill the rapsberry tea, right now.
You know when your least favorite friend drops by
Or calls to ask you
That same stupid question
About the same situation
They just won’t stop getting themselves into
It’s your personal kryptonite
Knowing they know your answer
They’ve asked you
A Hundred Friggin’ times
Hoping you’ll tell them what they want to hear
Yeah, you know that call
The time-wasting, shit-tasting quivery “do you think…”
You choke in frustration
As once more, dear friend
You prepare to set them straight
But you’re too good a pal
To not give a rational answer
Too good not to lose another afternoon
Trying to fix fix fix
Let me suggest a new approach
Ditch the reasoned response
Give ‘em what they want
Smile and be nice and
Give ‘em bad advice:
The silky sheer white thong mixed in with in your boyfriend's laundry must have been from when his sister came over for lunch that one day.
See how easy that was?
It works for every question
You didn’t want to answer:
You look great in neon t-shirts, Mom.
Border cops respect you more when you stare them down.
It’s not always worth finishing your degree.
Getting your lover’s name tattooed on your ass is so romantic; how could you go wrong?
Anyone can wear “statement” eye liner.
Never call a girl the day after you had first sex; she’ll feel smothered.
They say cold water removes blood from a white shirt, but I always use hot!
A jello shot will help you relax before your big interview.
We should start a land war in Asia.
Taking out a mortgage means you’re investing in your place, instead of paying out to someone else. You’ll save money in the long run!
One condom should last all night long, baby.
(The oftener you spill this rapsberry tea
The less frequent those idiot questions will be)
Please keep your comments respectful, honest, and constructive. Please focus on the song and not the demo.