Dating... Worth it???

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Lonely hearts club here!

Who has actually had any success with online dating or know someone who has?? I’ve had suspicions of the industry right from the start, the subscriptions, the overinflation rate of men to women....

Looked a little into the success rate of others experiences. An article claimed to do an experiment with two equally attractive people, man and woman, identical profile, similar pictures. The woman got 15,000 likes in one week. The bloke? 25 a day. I’ll be lucky if I get that many in my phones lifespan. And this is even before any suitors became apparent.

I’m just not built for the dating game. It seems being an interesting person isn’t enough. What to do?

I met Mrs. Fuzzy online and knew immediately that she was the one.
We're now approaching our third wedding anniversary.
Hang in there.

IA's picture
DonatedwinnerIA

It's good that you stick to who you are. People should be interested in who you are, not who something that looks like you and is nothing like you is.

But also, be confident, if you aren't already. Tell them about what's good in you. Show yourself not as some profile, but as a human being and what makes you you. You say you think you look below average, but a bad photo can be a nightmare. I mean bad lighting, fuzzy, maybe taken in a bad day etc. etc. If you feel like it, post the photo you used on the thing and maybe I can give you some pointers, if that's something you'd like (I've been obsessed with Photoshop for over 15 years).

I think that tinder profile is like an advertisement to get to the next step. The other person can't really get to know you if they never meet you. So, I'd say do what's necessary to get to meet somebody. Don't lie, because then they meet you and notice that you aren't who you said you were and that just wastes everybody's time. But make yourself valuable, you know. Biggrin

I'd say looks matter to women a lot less than to men. Of course they matter to women, too, but they REALLY matter to men... in general. It's better that they know you're trustworthy, can laugh at yourself, are active, and know what you want... or something like that.

I have no experience with online dating, but relationships are very low on my priority list, and always have been. I know people that have tried it, but not had much success. However, I can pretty much relate any conversation to something I heard on NPR, and this is no exception. Have you ever heard of a show called Freakonomics? It might be a little discouraging, but this helps you to understand exactly what's going on with these sites underneath it all. Also offers some advice for how to look for matches on dating sites. It's especially helpful because most of the program focuses on a guy who is struggling with online dating, so I think the information might be particularly relevant. https://freakonomics.com/podcast/what-you-dont-know-about-online-dating-a-new-freakonomics-radio-pod...

I met my girlfriend on Tinder 2 years ago, and I'm extremely happy. She's beautiful, fun, smart and caring, and we laugh every day, which is what I always wanted from a relationship. But before meeting her, my Tinder experience was brutal: very few matches, and I also felt very bad for quickly judging people based on so little information, most of it superfluous. It was my first experience with Tinder, and before all my relationships evolved organically from people I met in person through common interests.

My advice in dating is similar to the one I give about music: not everyone will like your songs, and that's ok. Each person has their own taste, and if people don't appreciate your music it might be because you're targeting the wrong audience. The same is true for dating: people want different things, and it's ok to get rejections. It doesn't mean you're not worth dating, it just means you're trying with people who have different values. And just like music, it's important to know yourself, what you want from a relationship, because if you search for that you'll have higher chances of success, IMO.

Maybe check out different dating sites.
They all seem to emphasize different things depending on what you are looking for.

Love is an elusive butterfly. If you try too hard, if you blatantly chase it, waving a net around wildly like a man on a butterfly hunt, it will flap its beautiful wings this way and that, and zoom and swoop and change directions on a dime, and dodge you.

Stand still, relax, show no desperation or urgency. . . just be open and available. The butterfly will land on your shoulder.

When it comes to using dating sites specifically, we can talk in more practical terms. The butterfly analogy still holds, though, in that you don't want to come on too strong with your online persona. Also, you should choose wisely; Tinder varies from place to place along with the local population and their values, but IN GENERAL Tinder is an app for people who want to fuck, not people who are looking for a lifelong romance. You may be turning them off with your romantic earnestness. . . and YES, it's a place where looks are often of paramount importance.

There are other dating sites that are better-suited to the romantically inclined (as opposed to the erotically inclined). Once you've found a good one, though, you should still take it easy, go slowly, and think of the place as nothing deeper than the foyer to your next relationship. Online is a very poor place to actually form a bond of any real strength; instead, use online dating as a way to handle the PRELIMINARIES ONLY, and don't get too excited about anything unless/until you've met in person a few times and begun to forge something more genuine and less ectoplasmic. Romance takes time, and there are a billion women out there with horror stories about guys who creeped them out by trying much too quickly to turn a little casual let's-date-and-see-where-it-goes into Romeo & Juliet. DON'T BE A BUNNY BOILER.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I ended up married from a relationship that began online, at a distance. That marriage eventually crashed and burned, but I have an absolutely beautiful, sweet, brilliant daughter from it. You CAN find someone you mesh with online, but TAKE IT SLOWLY and try to remember that the online preliminaries are just a way to figure out if you want to meet in real life, where you can then proceed to figure out if you actually want to date each other or not. Don't put the cart before the horse, and remember too that most of the women on dating sites (like most of the women you meet in the real world) are looking for someone FUN and CONFIDENT and NOT TOO INTENSE rather than someone who seems desperate and lonely and apt to fall obsessively in love with the first person who says 'hi' to them.

I didn't read the comments or anything beyond the subject heading but I know that dating artifacts is an important thing for archaeology and such. Also dating stuff in the cosmos like microwave radiation and black holes. That said, it's always worth keeping in mind that random events "clump," so in the sciences the search can go on forever without any apparent success and then BAM a whole clump of success just sort of clumps together.

Edit: Having read the thread I stand by what I said. Everything happens when you least expect it.

Edit edit: I'm just kidding around, I really read it all the first time. Just trying to inject a little bleak humor. But the statistical thing is absolutely valid. Smile

@TomS:
This is why nobody wants to date you, TomS.

I met my darlin' sweetheart @pfoo on the grand old internet.

Before TInder, I have no idea about that.

But it let us get to know each other a bit slowly and understand what we had in common.

dzd's picture
winnerdzd

Never have tried any of the on-line dating stuff, I'm usually quite content when by myself, I do find it strange that it is easier to get a drunk tinder "date" than a drunk bar one now though. I've been asked for my Tinder profile while at a bar before....I said well you can swipe me one direction or the other....I found it funny, she didn't....so that would of never worked out anyway Smile I know quite a few people that have met and lived quite happily so-far after online, so it does/can work, just something that's not for me.

I gave up months ago. My dog and I are very happy together. LOL

A lot of what you've said sounds a lot like me from before. I was very lonely and dating apps made me feel worse about myself. More and more I felt I would be single for all my life and no girl would ever want to be with me. It took almost 2 years of apps like Tinder, Bumble and even sites like POF before I met my girlfriend a year ago. and right away I knew something felt different.

I'm an overly safe person. I never asked out a girl before her because I was so scared of rejection that I would rather be alone. But when I met my girlfriend I knew I finally had to take action, it was truly one of those "you'll know when you know" moments. It sounds fake and I was like you. My friends would tell me I'd meet someone and I got tons of great advice but I never believed it. You gotta have patience. It was pretty annoying and desolate. I hated Tinder, it's a garbage hookup app. I highly recommend looking for another. Over here Bumble is popular and it's a lot better, so I would see if your area has another popular apps. I think you have to play it casual and go slow. and you have to show who you really are and in time you'll find the right person who's going to like that.

Tinder and such apps make it feel like such a game, perfect pictures, perfect bio. and the whole swiping thing makes you feel like trash if you don't get many likes. You think no one is attracted to you. All the same bios made me feel such dread also, "I'll probably like your dog more", "food motivated", "looking for adventures" the same lines over and over again. It was such a nightmare sometimes. But if you stay patient and keep hopeful you'll find someone. It sounds like nonsense, just like when I thought my friends were just saying these things to me to make me feel better, but I think it's true.

@motisbeard damn, that explains so much. Smile

@TomS
Well, keep your chin up. . . I'd love to carbon date you someday!

(ATTENTION CRYBABIES: THIS IS A JUST A JOKE; I DO NOT REALLY WANT TomS TO DIE, I AM JUST JEALOUS OF HIS CHOPS. GO LISTEN TO HIS STUFF)

Never had a positive experience meeting/dating online - met my abusive late-husband online and endured 14 years of hell. It's my belief that people do not portray themselves honestly and realistically online because it's not required. Dating apps are worthless in my opinion. Learn to enjoy your own space and time and to entertain yourself. then when we can go outside and actually meet real people, you'll already be comfortable in your own skin with yourself. Best of luck to you.

So... I met my wife online. I had had a looong history of unsatisfying romances, and I had spent about a decade basically celibate for various reason and at some point even made peace with being long-term single. Then, in 2013, I started opening up to the idea of maybe one day getting back into dating? So I made a profile on OKCupid.

At first, it wasn't a great experience. Everyone I matched with AND looked interesting to me lived, like, several hundred kilometers away, and I had just moved, was broke and not looking for a long distance relationship. So I stopped going there and nearly forgot I even had that profile.

Until, in March 2014, I got the most charming message ever. From someone who had a unique, thoughtfully crafted profile. A long-ish message that was clearly written for me, mentioning stuff I had talked about in my profile. This was clearly someone who was genuinely curious about me, and in turn, it made me curious about her. I had just never come across her because she was just barely above the age limit I had set.

So... I guess with dating things are never fully under our control. Surprises do happen.

Well I always always portrayed myself honestly and realistically online. Why would you want to start a relationship with a lie?

This is exactly what I've done but gotten nowhere. I think the romance of someone sounding better than what they are attracts the wrong people.

Thanks to all your replies.

i'm 53. every gay dating app or online site is essentially a hookup site. sexual compatibility is obviously an important part of finding someone, but it seems like it's the be all and end all of gay existence. so i'm upfront on the sites about what i like sexually. it removes some mystery, sure, but when one of the first few questions is ALWAYS "what do you like to do in bed?" then there is no need to maintain mystery on that particular issue.
dating is tough for me anyway. i moved home to help out my aging parents and i live with them. for the last 3+ years i have put my needs aside, going to work and coming back, grocery shopping with my mom, cooking meals on my day off (from my cooking job) and freezing them, putting the trash out, putting the paper towels on the roll, etc.
yet when i found a person i could play music with, my mother, who knows that i'm gay but won't admit it to herself, freaked out one time i went over there and called and texted repeatedly. i knew what was up-- she thought she had figured out something that wasn't-- that he and i were romantically involved. so she literally acted so crazy that he thought she would end up calling the police, and i no longer have anyone to jam with. i gave up then and there trying to find any sort of partner, musical or otherwise, and it led to a lasting depression that i cannot shake. that was about 3 years ago.
then, at my cousin's funeral earlier this year, the speaker said a phrase that absolutely jolted me-- "you never know when the end is nigh. so don't plan-- do." i took that to heart, and devised a plan. (ha) i now go to regular "jam" sessions that are actually dates. i have a semi-regular guy, a bit older than i, but his schedule and mine don't mesh. and he will be moving out of town in the not so distant future. yes, i'm concerned about COVID, and accidentally bringing it home to my parents. but going and meeting people is the only thing putting a dent in my depression-- that hope that i will find someone who 1) will actually show up to a pre-arranged meeting, 2) has a schedule such that we could meet (i work at night), and 3) understands that although i am out in my everyday life, that does not include my parents, who i am not trying to upset in this stage of their life. remember-- my mother just THOUGHT i had a beau and freaked out to an insane degree, the irony being that if i had a weekly jam partner, i would very likely not have the desire quite so strongly for another connection.
so i guess what i am saying is that no matter how complicated any of you think your online dating life is, it really isn't. you could be a (soon-to-be) 53 year old gay guy living with his ~80 year old parents sneaking out to "jam sessions" with a backpack that has song charts, a ukulele, a tuner.... and condoms, lube, etc, JUST IN CASE. and every guy i meet either doesn't show up or wants to have sex then and there, often in a car or some such situation.
so, there is hope for all of you. your dating lives are simple arithmetic compared to the partial differential equations i have to negotiate. i'm not complaining either. just letting you know that if i can keep up the good fight in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, you can too.
so date on!

Oh gosh yes, I know people who are scaling the depths of the dating world with a different orientation, and they are indeed struggling with finding someone who isn’t just after messing around.

Although some people have found love on Tinder, I don't think this is really the place to find a relationship. Is there maybe a dating website that is for people with more serious ambitions?

IA's picture
DonatedwinnerIA

Tinder is as much a place to find a relationship as any other place on Earth.

I run marriage preparation weekends. Most of our attendees are Catholic. A third of the attendees in the most recent session met on tinder, so it must have some use in finding genuine life partners.

I have managed to catch up and read all of these posts, and thanks to you all for taking the time to comment - some funny chuckles, a few profound points and honest comments, many experiences shared later, and I’m feeling more upbeat about it.

I’m pretty tired from it all so may need to get to bed, it’s been a tough reality check this last couple of weeks.

I’ll see you round the boards, dudes and dudettes... Smile

@stephenwordsmith
Never would I ever think this is something that you would do!
I imagine business must be a bit off, what with the pandemic!

Yes, well, Jonathan Swift was by all accounts an orthodox if not boring churchman in his day job. But that's not what he is remembered for.

COVID in New Zealand has led to a few wedding postponements, but few if any cancellations. Now that we're out of lockdown, we're returning to our nice and boring status quo ante at a pretty impressive pace.

I define my luck in dating apps as: I have encountered fascist gay men. So... There's that

In some Arab and other bride-stealing countries you can pay to the relatives and they let you steal the bride. Online Lol

@nerdjealous

So, so much advice and wisdom, -- what happened!!

Smile

@ustaknow haha! Well... nothing did! except making sweet music and drinking loads of milk lol! quite enjoying my single life ATM. i look around sometimes and see people who dont look happy coupled up, and remember how i wouldnt be able to do all this cool stuff, had it for not being on my own.

as for any attempts at finding someone? i did ask someone out... though they declined, i was glad to find out Wink so some success from the thread, at least!! :P

-- Glad to hear it and why I asked (and waited to ask... had read... and had my opinion, but -- so what?)

I think your conclusion I agree with.

I been alone and been with the wrong one -- my song(s) about "Josephine" Wink and other pseudonyms Smile "Kimbo" hahhh, but, when (not if) that person who really enjoys your company finds you, being you, -- however that happens, it's worth the wait.

-- All, again, as you know!

I thought it would be fun to hear a happy ending!! Expecting one. So, good.